I'M......GOING.....CRAZY

Noah (my "problem" child) and Hannah....they are at each others throats. all day. everyday.
hannah is in the tub, noah shuts the door and turns off the light. hannah screams.
noah is in the bathroom, hannah shuts the door and turns of the light. noah screams.
hannah teases noah about a girlfriend. he gets ticked and yells.
noah teases hannah about a boyfriend, she gets ticked and yells.
hannah says noah can't come to her birthday.
noah says hannah can't come to his birthday.
now noah is standing there saying to hannah "blah blah blah blah blah" and she is yelling at him to stop...and then throws something at him.

I don't think this is part of the mothering contract! LOL

Can I bang my head with him?

another few frustrating days. I got to where I just sat and cried because I don't know what to do with him. I understand now that he has a problem that makes him act the way he does. I understand that his actions are out of his control...that he will get better with therapy. But some days, I just can't handle it. He hurts the other kids. He hurts himself. He gets mad and bangs his head or hits himself in the head.
I love him so much. And I feel responsible for what is wrong with him. I had too much stress during my pregnancy. For a long time, I didn't even want him. Shawn and I were fighting so much and I wanted to leave and give him up for adoption. I know now that I was having depression problems from the medications I had been on..but I just feel in my heart that this all had something to do with it.
I hope that today will be a better day.

Neurological injury-hurts more than the brain

ok-this day has been LONG!!
after months of waiting we finally had our appointment with the doctors from out of state. They are assessing Noah for Asperger's...a disorder on the autism spectrum.
Noah has started hurting himself when he gets angry. banging his head in the wall, the table..pounding his head. I just don't know what to do. And it kills me to see him not have any friends. To not be able to act in a social situation. He is so set apart from everyone.
we met with a pediatric neuro psychiatrist (I think I got his title right) this morning...he said Noah's symptoms are consistent with Asperger...but some of his other stuff indicates that he has a neurological injury at some point in his life. Neurological injury does not mean brain damage or anything like that..
He was very interested in our weeks before birth when Noah stopped moving, and what had happened during my pg etc.He said regardless of what caused it, the solution is getting him help. he said from everything he observed and read in my reports, noah has issues. he can not self calm, he has sensory issues, he does not know when to stop...he said the signals in his brain do not appear to be right on. He still thinks it could be aspergers also...but wants to get him treatment for the other issues before he gives him a "label" that is hard to get rid of.
He would like to schedule him for speech, occupational, and physical therapy evaluations. (the school graduated noah from speech, but the dr said they should not have)
Then we met with the neuropyschologist this afternoon. he observed Noah, and got more information on specific symptoms. he will also give a recommendation as to if noah should have any scans or any other kind of medical studies.both doctors we saw today and a 3rd will meet tonight and go over everything. they will recommend all the stuff for Noah and calls will start getting made on Monday.
I am glad they are being so thorough and not quick to just flip a diagnosis on him.He also said that I was totally "normal" when I get overwhelmed and frustrated with him due to not being able to handle him. that made me feel a lot better.I kept thinking for the longest time that it was all in my head. but it isn't - he said we did not do any more damage to him(noah) by waiting so long...we had just caused ourselves to suffer more than was necessary.they were so kind and gentle. they really impressed me.

Don't judge me!

grr-I swear sometimes I get so frustrated over church members attitudes. Don't get me wrong, I love my church. But I can't stand when people act holier than thou! Prime example..I have a new friend. She is the typical molly mormon. Follows all the rules to a T. (or appears to anyway) So we have had her over to our home several times. The first time she went on and on about watching R and PG movies. (our church consels against R movies) Then she was over tonight and I was showing her the shirt that I made for Kaitlyn. I was so proud of it. I turned out great and was very very cute. Well, it happened to be a halter top. Still very modest IMHO. She turns to me and says "it doesn't have sleeves" well..no it doesn't Then goes on "I could never let MY daughter wear that"

Did I ask?

Dh and I are fine with it. We have 6 kids, and set our standards a long time ago. She has a 7 year old that she has had in her family for 2 years. Please don't think you can compare. Please don't think it is YOUR place to tell me that what my daughter is wearing is wrong. My children, my choice.
I don't tell you all the things I think you are doing wrong. Give me that same courtesy.

I love her. I think she is a great friend. But I hate people making me feel that way..

Disunity, a lightbulb moment.

Wow. It has been over a month since I last blogged. I feel like I am so busy trying to do "life" that I don't have time to talk about me. Maybe I spend too much time online doing other stuff.

Today we had a lesson in church on disunity...within ourselves, our family, our church, and the world. we talked a lot about selfishness, envy, and backbiting. I came to the realization that a lot of that comes from being insecure or having low self worth. If we don't feel good about ourselves, we tend to look for the bad in others. we chose to take offense when none was meant. we act this way because we are so unhappy within our own life...so we must make everyone else that way. you know what happens when you throw a pebble into a pond? you cause a ripple..and that is how so much in our world goes wrong.
To change this, we must make ourselves better. we must make it so that we are happy within.


so much more to say, but I had to just say that. will talk more later.

today is another day

I am saying it is going to be a better day. It will.

I have to get some sewing done. Tomorrow is scouts day at church, and Conner needs to wear his scout shirt..which means I need to sew on all his patches. Maybe this is the incentive I need to break my 6 month NO SEWING problem.
The kids are grumpy. Everyone is still sick. Coughing really bad. I am just so tired. Baby kept me up half the night again because she could only sleep if laying on my chest. I am starting to feel old.

All they do is argue argue argue right now! I cannot wait until Noah has his aspergers evaluation. I really need to know what is wrong with him so that I will know how to deal with him. Some days I just bury my head and either scream or cry. I know it is not his fault. I just don't know how to do it.

miscommunicate much?

How can a married couple totally be saying 2 different things and think they are saying the same thing?
Just the little things that start to irritate you.
We decide tonight that we are going to have take and bake pizza for dinner. I left the room for a few minutes, and come back in to find my husband doing pancakes. OK..so I say "what happened to pizza??" the girls decided they want pancakes. Well that is fine by me. He starts arguing for pizza and I keep telling him pancakes are fine.
I ask if he wants to run and get some flavored syrup..then realize we are out of pop. we decide to run to the store (and target for saline for sick baby)
We end up at the pizza place getting pizza.
what in the heck is the deal?
so then he doesn't understand why I am mad. I don't want pizza. I can't eat pizza because of the cheese and our daughter is allergic to dairy and I am nursing her.

So I am just being pissy and unreasonable and he is stomping around in the other room

what a crappy day!

My realization today

OK-I will admit it:

I suck as an LDS woman.

I am horrible at praying.
Half the time I don’t “get” what the scriptures are saying....even though I know they are the word of God.
I hate teaching primary.

And I can’t DO FHE!!!

I struggle with this daily. I know my church is true. I have a testimony of the gospel. But I can't seem to figure out how to live the way I am supposed to. I don't know how to be that "molly mormon" figure that I so DESPERATELY want to be.

*sigh*

My first thoughts

So today is the first day of my blog. I don't even know where to begin. Today was hard. We are starting an elimination diet with dairy to see if this helps Isabella's tummy. We think she may have a dairy allergy. Today I went shopping and found how hard it can be.
We had church today. Sometimes I just really hate going. I feel inadequate. I don't feel as if I belong. I believe in the principals and I believe in my religion, but I don't feel good enough to be there. I spend half my time in the mother's lounge breastfeeding the baby, so I miss it all anyway. What is the point of going?
Shawn just really pissed me off today. I have had several items on our "to do" list that was started last Sunday (sun and tues are days off). What we didn't get done last Sunday, we would do on Tuesday. Well-those things did not get done. They still are not done today either. And what is he doing? SItting on the couch reading a book! All day long! I keep asking for his help (cause these are things I can't do all myself) and still-they don't get done.

going religious here for a minute.
I know I chose to be here on this earth. I know I chose to come here and to experience this life. But sometimes I think I missed the fine print - maybe I might have passed it up! LOL