Wednesday, April 20, 2005


Noah (my "problem" child) and Hannah....they are at each others throats. all day. everyday.
hannah is in the tub, noah shuts the door and turns off the light. hannah screams.
noah is in the bathroom, hannah shuts the door and turns of the light. noah screams.
hannah teases noah about a girlfriend. he gets ticked and yells.
noah teases hannah about a boyfriend, she gets ticked and yells.
hannah says noah can't come to her birthday.
noah says hannah can't come to his birthday.
now noah is standing there saying to hannah "blah blah blah blah blah" and she is yelling at him to stop...and then throws something at him.

I don't think this is part of the mothering contract! LOL

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Can I bang my head with him?

another few frustrating days. I got to where I just sat and cried because I don't know what to do with him. I understand now that he has a problem that makes him act the way he does. I understand that his actions are out of his control...that he will get better with therapy. But some days, I just can't handle it. He hurts the other kids. He hurts himself. He gets mad and bangs his head or hits himself in the head.
I love him so much. And I feel responsible for what is wrong with him. I had too much stress during my pregnancy. For a long time, I didn't even want him. Shawn and I were fighting so much and I wanted to leave and give him up for adoption. I know now that I was having depression problems from the medications I had been on..but I just feel in my heart that this all had something to do with it.
I hope that today will be a better day.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Neurological injury-hurts more than the brain

ok-this day has been LONG!!
after months of waiting we finally had our appointment with the doctors from out of state. They are assessing Noah for Asperger's...a disorder on the autism spectrum.
Noah has started hurting himself when he gets angry. banging his head in the wall, the table..pounding his head. I just don't know what to do. And it kills me to see him not have any friends. To not be able to act in a social situation. He is so set apart from everyone.
we met with a pediatric neuro psychiatrist (I think I got his title right) this morning...he said Noah's symptoms are consistent with Asperger...but some of his other stuff indicates that he has a neurological injury at some point in his life. Neurological injury does not mean brain damage or anything like that..
He was very interested in our weeks before birth when Noah stopped moving, and what had happened during my pg etc.He said regardless of what caused it, the solution is getting him help. he said from everything he observed and read in my reports, noah has issues. he can not self calm, he has sensory issues, he does not know when to stop...he said the signals in his brain do not appear to be right on. He still thinks it could be aspergers also...but wants to get him treatment for the other issues before he gives him a "label" that is hard to get rid of.
He would like to schedule him for speech, occupational, and physical therapy evaluations. (the school graduated noah from speech, but the dr said they should not have)
Then we met with the neuropyschologist this afternoon. he observed Noah, and got more information on specific symptoms. he will also give a recommendation as to if noah should have any scans or any other kind of medical studies.both doctors we saw today and a 3rd will meet tonight and go over everything. they will recommend all the stuff for Noah and calls will start getting made on Monday.
I am glad they are being so thorough and not quick to just flip a diagnosis on him.He also said that I was totally "normal" when I get overwhelmed and frustrated with him due to not being able to handle him. that made me feel a lot better.I kept thinking for the longest time that it was all in my head. but it isn't - he said we did not do any more damage to him(noah) by waiting so long...we had just caused ourselves to suffer more than was necessary.they were so kind and gentle. they really impressed me.