Saturday, July 30, 2005

Someone asked fat people on a message board

" why do you take it to heart (when people call you fat)??? Do you think you're lazy? Substandard? Unattractive? Unlovable? Nasty? Why?"
I will answer honestly.
I am fat - not - because I am lazy or overeat, but because I have a stupid medical disorder that makes me produce too much insulin which then converts to fat and settles on my body. No matter what I do. Medication for the insulin, yeah, that is great. I stop gaining weight, but I still don't lose any.
Why do I take it to heart? Because I wasn't always this way. I used to be the size 2 skinny bitch with a 23 inch waist. And I do nothing differently now than I did then. So I think of it as being out of my "control" since I can't seem to do anything about it. I take it to heart because I feel ugly. I can't look at myself in the mirror without crying. I never want to be intimate with my husband because of how I look and how I feel about how I look.
I take it to heart because I don't want to be "that mom" to my children...."the mom" that they are ashamed to bring over their friends because of how I look. I know that is not them now, but it might be some day. And I don't ever want to be "THAT mom"
I take it to heart because I HATE everything about how I look and feel emotionally. And I feel judged. I feel like people look at me and think "oh if she just exercise more" or "oh she eats a ton! I bet if she ate less....."you know what people?? I exercise, I eat less...and it DOESN'T FREAKING WORK! I get tired of the assumption that FAT=lazy overeater. If that person making the assumption could spend just 1 day inside my body, and feel how I do...they would never think that again.
so that is why I take it to heart


Mandy said...

Awww, mama, this makes me so sad and yet I can relate in so many ways. I was never a size 2 but I was once a skinny bitch!

you are beautiful no matter what, though. I have seen pictures!

Jo said...

The way you feel is alot like how I feel. No matter what you will always be my Puddin' Pop Girl. ;)

I say we make some Kool-Aid and hot dogs, freeze the kool aid into little ice cubes, and then throw the cubes AND hot dogs at the skinny people just for fun. :D