Friday, May 04, 2007


Until this week, I don't think I truly ever got what it meant to "be humbled"
I think I understand now.

Since I found out I was pregnant, I have struggled so much with upset feelings. Feelings of dismay, of anger, of indifference.
I had truly believed that we were done having kids and I was very excited contemplating what was going to be in store for me and our family in the next few years.
I had my plan set. School, maybe a trip.

Then this baby came and knocked me off my feet. I was in shock. Denial. Angry. Disbelieving. I kept wondering "WHY" Why did Heavenly Father do this to us? I was so very unhappy and have struggled to accept it.

Then the last 24 hours, I had the wind knocked out of me. And by a fictional book and television show to say the least. I was reminded of what was important.
It started last night watching TV. There were 2 scenarios. One was of a single woman who was getting older and wanted desperately to have a child. She had terminated a previous pregnancy and now found that she was out of time. She had no chance of having a baby. She had no eggs left. She was devastated.
The second was of a huge messy triangle of people that involved several men, a surrogate and a mother to be. Watching the desperation for a baby. Seeing the emotions when it failed. The surrogate kept the baby and the family that was expecting the child didn't get to have it. They were just deflated.
Then I read a fictional book by a LDS author today that dealt with a couple with infertility. Reading the raw emotions was so painful. The struggle they went through to try and have a baby repeatedly. I was crying almost the whole book.
Realizing that there are women out there that will NEVER have what we do. Never get to feel a baby move and kick from within their womb. Never get that exhilarating feeling of pushing and hearing babies first cry. Never get to hold that child to their breast and inhale the sweet scent of my babies head while I nourish him/her.
I am so selfish. I have that chance. And I failed to enjoy it. I failed to be thankful for it.
It doesn't matter if I am ready for this. It doesn't matter what our family thinks. It doesn't matter if we understand the big picture or what plans we were already making.

For some reason, Heavenly Father saw fit to send us another precious child. I do not understand the reasons behind it. But how arrogant was I to question it? This baby is here for a reason. . because Heavenly Father wishes it to be so.

I am in awe. and I am so very humbled and thankful.

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